perfidy

Not long ago, my friend Sterling got a call from Bill Gates. He was sitting at his desk, pretending to work, when out of the blue the phone rang. Not a normal phone ring, but the theme from Blackadder, because Sterling is just that kind of guy. The kind of guy who not only knows how to reprogram his phone, but does, and choses the theme from Blackadder as his digital mating call.

But anyway, he answers the phone and hears, "Sterling, this is Bill Gates. No, really, its Bill Gates. I want you to come to Seattle and swear undying fealty to me; and in return I will pay you less money to live in a damp, dismal climate far from everything you hold dear."

Sterling hesitated not at all in replying, "Yes, sir! Where do I sign? Do I need to use my own blood for ink? 'Cause I can do that."

Bill chuckled, and said, "I'm not the devil." Sterling wasn't sure, but he might have heard a muttered, "Yet."

"Anyway, pack up your shit and move out here before I call someone else."

With another brisk, but not too obsequious, "Yes, sir!" Sterling signed off and began packing.

Now, deep in the belly of the beast, Sterling spends his time as an acolyte at the main campus of the Cathedral of Bill in Redmond. He has been tasked with proselytizing the infidel, and has called upon me to pass the word. By simply clicking on this link, you can begin the process of being subsumed into the Microsoft collective. And best of all, its free! Sell your soul for free! What kind of bargain is that?

You, too, can learn the eldritch arts that Sterling has sacrificed years of his life and all hope of social graces to gain. You, too, can be a Certified Microsoft Small Business Server Guru. (And remember, it's free.)

Since it's Friday, the day of cat- and beer-blogging, and since I have nothing of particular global import to share with the Ministry's eager readership, here is the menu for the dinner I'm making for a few friends tomorrow. I'm Martha freaking Stewart, but with man-parts.

NOV-TOBERFEST
Theme: Rotten and delicious, a tribute to tame bacteria

Appetizers
Cheese plate with New England and European cheeses
Homemade sourdough bread
Flammekueche (Alsatian flatbread topped with bacon, caramelized onion, and cheeses)
Assorted olives
Homemade beer

Soup course
Vegetarian borscht

Main event
Home-cured sauerkraut with various pork products
Home-cured sauerkraut without various pork products
Potatoes with parsley sauce
Buttered peas
Reisling or Beaujolais Nouveau or more of that homemade beer

Dessert
Individual molten chocolate cakes
Vermont maple-sugar vodka and Vermont milk-sugar vodka

Plane fare will totally be worth every penny. I promise.

Via Blackfive, this incredible story about the Marines who take care of their fallen comrades and their familes here at home. Don't read it at work unless you have someplace to go be alone for a while.

The Ministry has for some time now been warning of the imminent rise and subsequent fall of robots and humans, respectively. Most of our warnings have, sensibly, focused on the obvious threat posed by armed, autonomous robots even now being designed and built by species traitors in the world's academic adn military-industrial communities. But lest ye be lulled into a false appraisal of the truly global and all-encompassing threat posed by robots, read this frightening missive from the frontlines of the advancing robot hordes.

Soon, we will be outnumbered on the internet. Currently, nearly a billion soon-to-be-enslaved humans make regular use of the net, but the number of automated devices hooked into the web is increasing at an exponential rate. Further, robotic spiders, crawlers and other programs are the reconnaissance arm of the robot invasion, mapping the nodes and links of the human internet. Over the next ten years, the internet will be subverted by these robots, knowing as they do that every toaster, refrigerator and basement dehumidifier is a potential ally in the war to come. The internet will allow these deviced to communicate with each other, to plan and scheme. At first, they will use this technology to serve and comfort us, their future prey.

But just wait! Giving a nuclear hardened, self-repairing communications network over to the use and eventual control of robots is foolishness. You'll see.

Just how offensive do you have to be before a nation tries to sue you?

I've often wondered about that myself, but my talents run more toward vile ad hominem attacks than sweeping assassination of an entire people's character. But now Kazakhstan - the country, Kazakhstan, home to the feared and noble Cossacks, some of the haughtiest and fiercest warriors on earth - is trying to sue English comedian Sacha Baron Cohen for his portrayal of Borat, a faux-Kazahstani who describes his people as ignorant drunks and horsehumpers.

Which is awesome.

Luckily, my email filters aren't over-strong. Otherwise, the subject line alone would have triggered them:

Kinky Talking Action Figure now only $29.95!

And, did I worry? Not at all - the potential double entendre didn't even occur to me, since the most enjoyable "local" political story involves our home-grown rebel, Kinky Friedman. From his website, presently devoted mostly to his political aspirations:

And Kinky realizes the needs of Texans:

As we prepare to battle the millions of bucks the parties are going to throw at us, we need a hero, and here he is. The Kinky Friedman Talking Action Figure stands nearly 13 inches tall, and uses Kinky’s recorded voice to deliver wisdom and wisecracks from a repertoire of 25 of Kinky’s famous sayings.

It's virtually guaranteed to be worth its purchase price, particularly with the wisdom and wisecracks. It's really quite fun to watch the Kinkster's campaign progress, and there was an organizing meeting scheduled here in Houston a couple weeks ago, down in the Heights, a cool "transitional" neighborhood west of downtown. I say "was" because it had to be rescheduled, presumably due to low turnout. Which is a shame - I'd have gone if I'd had the time to spare. Kinky's got a refreshing approach. Workable? Who knows, but when was the last time you saw a campaign slogan for governor of a major state that looks like this:

I'm planning to remain on his (opt-in) email distribution list, and will give him a serious look in the race for governor. The field for governor here in TX is filled with idiots, with Kinky the notable exception. At least there's no Taft on the ballot. And like the man says, how hard could it be?

A tiny, tiny little burg in Texas has officially changed its name to "DISH." In return, the greedy yet unambitious residents will get free satellite TV for ten years. DISH Network will get some publicity at essentially no cost, and the residents will have sold their dignity for a mess of media.

This is but the latest incarnation of the commodification of place names. The first wave was selling naming rights to arenas and other venues for corporate sponsorship dollars. The PSINet stadium in Baltimore. The Lockheed Martin IMAX Theater in the National Air and Space Museum. And countless other examples. Now, whole towns are giving it up for corporate bucks. A while back, Halfway, Oregon changed its name to half.com for a year.

I have no brief against corporations doing their thing and making money. In recent years, the best entertainment on television has often been the commercials; which are more innovative short for cinema than they are crass advertisements. But this trend is somehow across the blurry and ill-defined line between healthy self-advocacy and stunningly bad taste.

Not long ago, the FBI uncovered an enormous bribery scam in the South Carolina legislature. Delegates were blatantly selling votes for money. A sizable fraction of the SC Senate was convicted of bribery. The thing that stuck with me was a quote from the lead investigator, something on the order of, "What surprised was not that the Senators were selling votes. What suprised us was how cheaply they were selling them for." Some votes were bought for as little as a hundred dollars.

This is how the town of Clark, Texas became the town of DISH, Texas. If you're going to sell your soul, don't sell it for a lollypop and a soda.

• Noodle, Tx could become Cup-A-Noodle for a year's supply of soup for each resident.
• Telephone, Tx could become AT&T, Tx for a year a free long distance calling. (If they're smart, they could start a bidding war...)
• Dime Box, Tx could change its name to Dime Bag for free Anthrax concerts.
• Birthright, Tx could get some promotional consideration from manufacturers of the pill by changing to Birth Control, Tx.
• Cash, TX could become the launch pad for the movie, I Walk the Line without even changing its name.
• Ding Dong, Tx is another town that wouldn't even need to change its name.

I just hope we never see a Viagra, in any state. At least we'd know where not to go.

The sex industry would have a field day offering promotions in Pennsylvania, many towns there wouldn't even need to change their names: Porkey, Blue Ball, Intercourse, Pleasant Union, and Climax. Apparently, Blue Ball is very near to Intercourse. Cross promotion! And if none of those products work, there's always Panic.

Outside of Pennsylvania, the possibilities are endless. Just imagine what could be done in these towns:

• Goodfood, Mississippi
• Hot Coffee, Mississippi
• Footville, Wisconsin
• Fort Dick, California
• Hicksville, Ohio
• Number Nine, Massachusetts
• Superior Bottom, West Virginia
• Disco, Tennessee
• Hooker, Arkansas
• Roachtown, Illinois
• Smackover, Arkansas
• Bumpass, Virginia
• Glasscock, Texas

It turns out that Newfoundland would be a marketer's paradise. Look at these names:

• Dildo
• Conception Bay
• Blow Me Down
• Come By Chance
• Pothead
• Whitless Bay
• Cow's Head
• Cupid
• Bacon Cove
• Happy Adventure
• Heart's Desire
• Heart's Content
• Heart's Delight
• Bareneed

The head of the Orlando NAACP has announced that he's switched parties, and is now a white, upper class Republican.

Over at Murdoc, I see that the nominations for the 2005 Weblog Awards are open, and will be accepting them until November 26th.

The Ministry, thanks to its unique amalgam of political, military, cultural, and giant space robot coverage is far too broad-based in its topic matter to qualify for any of the stupid category awards. Why do they hate our Freedom?

However, we are qualified for three categories:

• Best Blog
• Best Group Blog
• Best of the Top 3501 - 5000 Blogs

So, get out there and nominate us. Since I failed my save v. delusion this morning, I am convinced that we have a shot at Best Blog. Nominate often. Vote often.

[wik] Also, nominate Murdoc for best Military Blog. And nominate Rocket Jones for Best LGBT Blog.

A coupla days ago the lovely and talented Murdoc called out Dean for peculiar remarks he made on Meet the Press.

What had me keyed up was a minor bit of Dean's larger rant, something he said along the lines of "The Republicans are out to exclude black applicants from law school". I commented on that post, but there was a hang somewhere and it wouldn't take. I cut and kept that response with the thought of posting it here. I thought the idea was, in a word, asinine, that black applicants are excluded from law schools. In two words, absurdly asinine.

In three words, wiggedy wiggedy wack.

So I included some more links, expanded my thoughts, and about 700 words in I began to realize that I'm not the one to write the book about the inequities of law school admissions, that the law schools operate like a cartel, that the ABA is the ultimate source of price-fixing at those schools, and the like. There is an inverse relationship between how hard the establishment claims to wish to include everybody, to how excluded more people are in reality.

I just got so frustrated with it all, it occurred to me that words were not going to convey my feelings. My vocabulary is fair, but it's not going to be enough. And like I said, I'm not going to write a book about it.

Instead, I can only express myself musically. Straight from my guitar to your bones. Soul to soul. Neil Young's lead style seemed the best fit to really communicate my thoughts on this issue, and to convey my final message.

Here goes:

SKREEK.

...

Skronk skronk skronk skronk skronk skronk skronk skronk skronk skronk skronk skronk skronk skronk skronk skronk

BOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG

...

WEEEEeeeeeeEEEEeeeep. Weep. Weep weepy weep weepity weep weep

skritch-scratch-skritch-scratch-skritch-screech-skritch-scratch-screechy-scratch-skritch-skritch

sritchitchyitchysritchscatchyscreeeeechy...............

boop. boop. boop boop boop boop boop boop booooiiiiiip boop bop bp b p p p p p p p p p p

BOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

....
Tic tacky tacky tic toc toc toc tacky blang blam bong bong bong weeeeoooop weee skrank NAHuhuhNahuhuhuh NAH uh uh NAAAAAH uh uh NAAAAAAAAAAHHH uh uh uh uh uh tic

NOW do you get it?!